loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
