I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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