so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
