so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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