It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
