The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
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Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
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He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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