My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Someone came in the potted fern
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
