I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
