If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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