you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
