All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
