so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the day after is always just damage control
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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