Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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