Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
