I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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