my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
