I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
