I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
