im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
