once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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