New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
