I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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