Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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