sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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