September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize