I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
