I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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