Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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