I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
