so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
