I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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