maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
