why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
