So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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