Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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