chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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