My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
