oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
