I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
