she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
