I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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