Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
