you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
