You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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