Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
