So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
