Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
