We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
