Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
