Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
