You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What drink are we having for lunch?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Everyone says I win the strip club
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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