I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
