You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
