my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
