She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
