Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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