you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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