you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i love accidental penises.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
