Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
