I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
