if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
