a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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