I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
