Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I want her autograph on my taint
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
