Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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