I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
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if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.