1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.